We won't always be. But for now we are.
Each tick of the clock is a death for thousands. But not yet for us.
Tick, tock, there goes a village.
We must be thankful. Take each day as it comes. Take each month as it comes. And, at the end of the year, write an article summing up the things that have happened. Plato would have done exactly that, if he'd been born in the spacebar era.
DiamondBadger's Headscissors Review of 2013
I do this every year. It's a light-hearted look back at the thrills and spills of my soup kitchen rollercoaster. I also talk about the year in question.
This year, the year in question is "2013".
The question is "What happened in 2013?".
The answer is "the following".
Here are previous entries:
Life-Changing Event of 2013
I put "buying a flat" in this slot last year. This year we actually moved. The whole year has been life-changing, and not in a good way. I don't even feel I'm the same person I was in 2012. Someone must have forged my name tag.
But I can't go into too much depth about it. Let's just say that my fundamental essence has been forever altered by moving ten minutes' drive down the road.
I own a power drill now. This is serious business.
TV Programme of 2013
I've watched a lot of TV this year. So much so that I've had to embolden part of that sentence. Most if it has been in box-set form. I now feel more engaged with television as an art form. I've been taking part in the national conversation. It's not the conversation of my nation, but still... This was a real breakout year for Malta's Got Talent.
I watched lots of series for the first time, some of which I wasn't too fond of (Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Girls), and some of which I was rather taken by/with.
For me, the year boils down to three big ones: Mad Men, Breaking Bad and Enlightened.
I'd barely seen any Mad Men episodes before this year, so I decided to take the plunge. I ended up watching all six seasons in just a few months. It really changed the way I saw the world. 'Peggy' is short for Margaret?! WTF? How does that work? Right? Am I right? Am I?
I'm still not sure what I think of it. At it's best, it's mesmerising, and some of the characters are as complicated and fun as you could wish for. But sometimes, its greatest strength (huge scope; slow pace; meandering, deep exploration of the human condition) becomes a bit of a burden. It can move slowly, or be too obvious. Or it can spend too much time with beautifully-developed characters that aren't that interesting. It finds beauty in truth, but truth is often boring.
It has peaks and troughs in quality, but overall is very satisfying. My opinions on certain characters (hello, Pete) have gone from loathing to understanding and then back again. Elisabeth Moss's Peggy is one of my favourite television characters of all time: showing real (fictional) growth, and handling heartbreaking drama and hilarious comedy with aplomb, often in the same episode.
But I don't know if I feel a great affection for the series as a whole. I don't know why. It might be because showrunner Matt Weiner slightly rubs me up the wrong way in interviews. I like Mad Men, but I don't think it's quite managed to crawl into my soul. Perhaps that's a good thing. There's not much room up there.
Breaking Bad ended this year in a hail of publicity. Lots of people have compared Mad Men to Breaking Bad, so I might as well have a quick stab at it.
The two shows are sort of opposites in a way. Mad Men sprawls all over the place and gives us a taste of everything. Plot isn't as important as themes or character.
Breaking Bad is an almost miraculously tightly-focussed story, with a clear beginning, middle and end. It has a narrower cast of characters.
Mad Men is about the American Dream. Or gender politics. Or social change.
Breaking Bad is about Walter White and what happens to him.
That's a terrible simplification. Mad Men is about loads of stuff. And maybe Walter White's story is the story of America. It isn't though. It's the story of Walter White.
Anyway, whilst I generally prefer big vague ambiguous philosophical pretentious profound meaning-of-life fare to tightly-written morality plays, I think I like Breaking Bad better.
Doing a single story over a number of seasons, whilst still making it seem satisfying, and not treading water at any point, is a huge achievement. I'm not its biggest fan (there are many other shows I prefer, and I question to what extent it will be as fun on second viewing), but it certainly is exhilarating viewing. The final season had some fantastic moments - though I didn't think it was as perfect as some seemed to - and it was a fun ride.
That was all a bit long. Especially, as I prefer Enlightened to both of those.
I've written about it before, so I don't want to cover old ground, but it really is a great show. I watched both seasons this year (the second one began in January, but I was behind). It's touching, great-looking, different, and is about something. It's definitely more Mad Men than it is Breaking Bad, and maybe if it hadn't been cancelled, it might have suffered some of the former's problems, but it stands as a really beautiful chunk of television.
Do chunks stand? Probably, if you lean them against a wall.
Amy Jellicoe (played by Laura Dern) is a fantastic character, who is somehow both self-obsessed and a complete hero. How can a character be completely deluded and yet fundamentally right? Ask Mike White.
This trailer doesn't really convey the tone of the show, but I should probably embed something, right?
Yeah. Gotta embed. It's like the rhyme says:
If you don't embed, your readers will... do something else. Instead.
Shoe of 2013
I bought new shoes this year. But I think the winner has to be that sandal that broke the whole NSA story.
Film of 2013
I don't know about films. What came out when? Who am I, Paul Ross?
I saw Before Midnight and Upstream Color. Those are films that people seemed to like. If I say it was them, will you let me go?
Moment of 2013
In Turkey, we went to a hidden island (hidden from all but the regular tour groups that go there). We sat on a peaceful sandy beach, looking at the river.
That was nice. I didn't see it mentioned on The Big Fat Quiz of 2013, though.
So the moment was probably that time a celebrity accidentally tweeted a picture of themselves wearing odd socks. Peter Sissons, let's say.
Music of 2013
I've done a list! But I couldn't find a lot of the songs on Grooveshark, so it's only on my iTunes. If you want to come round and have a look, you can.
I liked good new albums by Fuck Buttons, Death Grips, Janelle Monae and Mountains.
I very much enjoyed the Run The Jewels album. I spent a lot of time this year channelling its aggressiveness into energy, helping me climb Headington Hill.
Here are a few choice morsels.
Run The Jewels - Sea Legs
Grouper - Living Room
Trust Punks - Prone Hold
Sonny Smith - Some Women Artists All Around Town
(this is the only version I can find)
My favourite song of the year wasn't released in 2013. I'm forty-two years late with this one, but it's still as fresh as a daisy.
Caetano Veloso - Maria Bethania
Misunderstanding of 2013
I kept winking and people in Turkey and asking where the beak was. It turns out that people in Turkey don't know what winks mean. The local equivalent is looking bored and irritated.
New Habit of 2013 (new category!)
I kick our small football around the flat all the time. It's a good way to get some exercise whilst listening to sermons on the radio.
Stuffed Animal of 2013
Me - after Christmas dinner!
Because I'd eaten so much!
I'm an animal!
I was sewn shut!
Ordeal of 2013
The flat has been one big ordeal, though most of that stuff has subsided for now. I suppose the big ones were not having any useful heating last winter (sobbing and shivering, working as a team!) and our bathroom leaking into the downstairs flat. That was quite traumatic. We had to talk to a plumber.
But both of those problems have been solved. We have a nice new bathroom and nice new heaters. No money, but money doesn't keep you warm and dry.
Albert of 2013
(Some of the image URLs on my old entries were broken, so apologies if I've used this Albert before.)
Stand-up of 2013
I didn't see much stand-up this year. I'll probably use this slot to talk about my own stand-up. I only did one gig, but it was very nice indeed. I remember telling a football joke, and saying to a man in the front row "you look like you're a bigger fan of football than you are of comedy". That doesn't even mean anything! Those are the best things to say. People like those things.
Oh, and Louis CK and Maria Bamford are still hilarious.
Number of 2013
0.4
Celebrity Sighting of 2013
As I mentioned on here before, we saw John Sessions in a Gatwick Pret a Manger. I sobbed into his shoulder "It's you! It's really you!". Whilst he was distracted, Lucy stole his wallet.
Picture of a Vegetable Made in MS Paint of 2013
Odd Celebrity Crush of 2013
(Man, there are a lot of these categories - I'll thin them out next year)
Who's odd? Anna Chlumsky? Jon Hamm? The woman from Limmy's Show? An anthropomorphised mosquito that I dreamt about?
Stop thinking in such narrow terms. We're all humans.
Language of 2013
Bill Fralic
Tool of 2013
David Cameron! #satire
Annoyance of 2013
Michael Owen's football commentary. He has almost every bad quality that a commentator might have, all wrapped up in a symmetrical little package. Not many people are nasal, ill-informed, banal, closed-minded, biased, and tedious. But he manages it.
Disclaimer of 2013
I'm writing this under duress. Though, that's how I do most things. Duress is my life coach.
Oh - also, I'm probably not going to proofread this. You might have noticed.
Clothing Item of 2013
I bought some pyjamas, and the top was one of those t-shirts that has buttons. It was black. I wear it all the time. It's a t-shirt, so I look casual. But it has buttons, so I look like an executive. I also ordered a red t-shirt online that arrived yesterday. It's much too big. I feel like a Sesame Street character.
Hero of 2013 (new category!)
Most years, this will be Spider-Man. This year, it is Lucy.
She has really stepped up. When faced with the difficulties of owning a house and speaking to builders and being alive, I've buckled like a belt and crumbled like a soft biscuit. Lucy has held everything together (including me), which is impressive as she hates all those things as much as I do. Especially soft biscuits.
A strong woman, that one. Hopefully I'll be able to woman-up in the new year and start handling my shit.
Catchphrase of 2013
"By the same token..."
Fact of 2013
The wingspan of an albatross is much smaller when the bird in question is hiding from the police.
Best Bit from My Review of 2013
"themes"
Prediction for 2014
Oh man, I don't know.
Maybe England will win the World Cup. Stranger things have happened.
Maybe I'll put up the mirror we bought a couple of weeks ago. It was missing its wall fixings, and the ones I bought were too big. But there's a whole world of wall fixings out there. All I need to do is go out there and grab them and pay for them and put them in my pocket.
The only limit to your number of mirrors is how many mirrors you have.
***
I'm glad that it's January tomorrow. This intravenous tinsel isn't as festive as that doctor suggested.
I think he was a doctor... He had a bag with, like, a hundred scalpels in it.
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