That would be the whole sketch. There would be a series of them. It would be his catchphrase.
I know rapid-fire catchphrase-based sketches are a bit 90s, but I think they're due for a comeback.
Here are my suggestions for the early sketches.
INT. ABATTOIR - DAY
Two henchman drag GUMSHOE onto the killing floor. There are animal carcasses everywhere. Blood on the walls, rusty saws, bones, hooves. They throw him at the feet of a BUTCHER wearing a bloody smock.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the place...
END OF SKETCH
That one's not great. But it's just there to set up the premise. There would be several of these in every episode.
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Two secret servicemen drag GUMSHOE into the office. There are plaques everywhere. Wallpaper on the walls, nice carpet, desk, potted plants. They throw him at the feet of BARACK OBAMA.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the place...
END OF SKETCH
We're already rolling.
I know what you're thinking. You're wondering what the joke is. Well, there isn't a joke. It's not that kind of sketch. The trick is repetition. People enjoy it when they expect something to happen and then that thing happens.
INT. THE EARTH'S CORE - DAY
Two mole-men drag GUMSHOE into a lava cave. There are lava everywhere. Lava on the walls, rivers of magma, molten rock, fires. They throw him at the feet of a FIRE DEMON.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the place...
END OF SKETCH
All of these sketches will appear in the first five minutes of the sketch show - just to get people up to speed.
After this, we can start stretching our comedy wings.
EXT. WORLD TRADE PLAZA - SEPTEMBER 11 2001
Two firemen drag GUMSHOE out of some rubble. There is dust everywhere. Crying people, paramedics, police officers, general distress. They gently help him to a STRETCHER-BEARER.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the place...
END OF SKETCH
Edgy.
You see how versatile this is? We can do anything with it.
By this point, we'll be about seven minutes into the sketch show, and people will be getting complacent. So we mix things up.
INT. CHINA SHOP - DAY
GUMSHOE walks into a china shop. There is crockery everywhere. Jugs, bowls, saucers, vases. The OWNER is behind the counter.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the plates...
The OWNER accepts the compliment with good grace.
END OF SKETCH
Yes, we are also going to do one set in a fish and chip shop. You can probably figure out the punchline. (Clue: it features a certain type of fish. Plaice.)
We're winding down now. Only a couple more in this episode. You can have too much of a good thing.
INT. GUMSHOE'S HOUSE - DAY
Two neighbours carry GUMSHOE into his own house. There are GUMSHOE's possessions everywhere. Furniture, photographs, Blu-ray collection, cat. They gently help him to the SOFA.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the place...
The neighbours look at each other, concerned.
NEIGHBOUR 1
(TENTATIVE) We haven't done
anything with the place.
This is *your* house.
GUMSHOE looks around and smirks.
END OF SKETCH
We'll be about ten minutes into a twenty-eight minute episode at this point (this will be on the BBC). The gumshoe sketches will stop for the next eighteen minutes. People will think we've forgotten about them.
But we haven't forgotten about them.
After the credits have rolled, we'll have one final surprise:
INT. HOUSE OF MIRRORS - DAY
GUMSHOE stares at his dozen reflections. He looks around and smirks.
GUMSHOE
(SARCASTIC) I love what you've
done with the place...
His smirk falters.
GUMSHOE
(TENTATIVE) I love what you...
(BEAT) What ALL of you...
GUMSHOE
What have you done?
GUMSHOE'S REFLECTION 1
Done to what?
GUMSHOE
To the place.
GUMSHOE'S REFLECTION 2
We've been working so hard on it.
GUMSHOE'S REFLECTION 3
Do you like it?
GUMSHOE gulps. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
GUMSHOE'S REFLECTION 4
Well?
GUMSHOE'S REFLECTION 5
Do you like what we've
done with the place?
GUMSHOE trembles, and then falls to his knees.
GUMSHOE
I...(BEAT) I LOVE it.
The reflections break into a kaleidoscope of smirks.
END OF SKETCH
END OF EPISODE
And that, my friend, is how you write a recurring sketch character.
A viral hit if ever I've seen one.
Now all I need is a sketch show.
And some lava.
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