Bread and Scrape

In my day, the government gave us all a day.

Everyone had one. On your sixteenth birthday, you were allocated one twenty-four hour period, and it was yours with which to do whatever you wanted.

My day was Friday 11th January 1900.

But there was a miscalculation in The Ministry of Day Apportionment. They'd miscalculated.

In 1998, the year I turned sixteen, there were around 58,649,000 people in the UK. And whilst there had technically been more than that number of days up to that point, the government was hindered by several flaws in the system:

1) They only included days after 0AD, as BC days were deemed 'stodgy' and 'Old Labour'.

2) The landed gentry, the royals, and all former England football captains were granted special privileges. Instead of a day, they were given entire weeks, and in some cases, years. Bryan Robson's week was from 1853, and included both the Battle of Oltenitza and the founding of the Republic of Lower California. Princess Margaret had 1771. With the privileged receiving so many extra days, there were fewer for the middle and lower classes.

3) Jack Straw refused to allow days in the future to be included, because he claimed that "the concept really freaks me out".

I was very lucky to be given a day. I put some patio chairs there, and occasionally went there for some 'alone time'.

In my day, there was a slight problem with damp.

Soon, people were forced to share days. Then the policy was abandoned altogether. But by then it was 1999 and we were all busy hunting for Prince (who had stolen the year from Richard Branson, claiming "Issssss MIIIIIIIINNNE!").

***

I lost confidence in that comedy concept. There might be something there, but it is not ripe for picking at the current time. In the current climate.

Hey! How about, right...?

How about:

I don't feel comfortable making jokes about raisin hurricanes. Not in the currant climate.

How about that?!

That's a joke. An actual joke. 

Sure, it doesn't really make sense. But the important thing is that it's HONEST.

***

Break your blog into sections

Break your blog into sections

Point your readers in several directions

Break your blog into sections

Avoid detection! Avoid detection!

STRUCTURAL, STRUCTURAL INSURRECTION!

Break your blog into sections

Break your blog into sections

Vote for a dog in your local elections

Break your blog into sections

I love that song.

***

If you print this blog post out, you can cut out all of the words and rearrange them into whatever order you like. You could make me sound really racist if you wanted to. I don't know why you would. But you could.


Also, you could fold this entry into a paper plane. Use these bits as wing-flaps:

\\\\ ////

This woman can be the pilot:

__-----___
}~~~~~{
    ''''    ''''
  @   @
     ^
     =


ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL?


If you're reading this on a laptop, desktop or tablet computer, you probably shouldn't cut anything out. You might need those sections of the screen later, for the odd drag-and-drop, article perusal or full-screen movie experience.


***

INT. MEXICO - DAY

A man sits at his computer. A man looks at his computer. A man seethes at his computer. The man is PAUL. A womanly beast sits a short distance away, flossing. She is HAAT.

PAUL

When should this blog post end?

HAAT

You'll know when.

PAUL

Are you sure?

HAAT

I don't know.

PAUL

I think it might be time to end it now. 

I think I might have 'jumped the shark' 

with the name 'Haat'.

HAAT

He who seeks answers may only find 

lots of question marks piled into 

the shapes of letters. The letters may 

spell out the word 'ANSWERS'.

PAUL

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this should be the end.

In the distance, a cloud of dust signals the approach of a horse-drawn cart. Three figures are visible on the cart.

PAUL (cont'd)

Who are they?

HAAT

You'll know when. 

PAUL

When?

HAAT

When you see them.

The cart draws closer. The figures emerge from the dust. It becomes clear that these figures are all the actor William Sadler, in his three most famous roles: DEATH from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey, dumb hick prisoner HEYWOOD from The Shawshank Redemption, and the villain COLONEL STUART from Die Hard 2: Die Harder (remember, he's in the nude near the beginning).

PAUL

Is that...? That guy. That actor. 

You know. The one with the square jaw.

HAAT

William Sadler?

PAUL

I don't know. I don't know what his name is.

HAAT

It is. It's William Sadler. 

In his three most famous roles.

PAUL

Huh. Hey, wasn't he in Deep Space Nine too?

HAAT

I don't know.

DEATH

Hey guys. Do you know if this 

is the right road to get to Juárez?

PAUL

I don't know.

HAAT

Me neither.

HEYWOOD

Dang.

COLONEL STUART begins to strip, and the sun sinks below the horizon.